If You Wanna Be My Lover, You Gotta Get With These Unrealistic Expectations
“How am I still single?” you ask. Let me explain the ways.
Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash
1. Must love kids, but not really want them.
I don’t trust people that don’t like kids and I don’t completely trust myself to have them. On the off chance we do have little baby alien humans, you must be a magnificent father because I will be a mediocre mother at best.
2. Must be over 5’8’’ even though I’m under 5’3’’.
It’s important that I feel like a little spoon at all times, which requires at least a five-inch height difference. This will allow me to gain a bit of weight (something I can do but you probably shouldn’t) and still feel small in comparison.
3. Can’t be religious but should be comfortable with my overwhelming Jewishness.
We don’t believe in God in this relationship, but we do believe in generational guilt, brisket, and saying “Did you know that he/she is Jewish?” every time a member of the tribe makes an appearance on our television screen.
4. Be into me, but not THAT into me.
On a scale of Rihanna’s “Only Girl (In the World)” to Rihanna’s “Work,” you better make me work, work, work, work, work for your love and attention. I don’t make the rules. My years of unexamined attachment issues do.
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5. Attractive, but objectively less so than me.
We should be in the same bracket of hotness, but I’m above you (not height-wise — see expectation #2). Your friends should think “wow, how did you land such a beautiful girl?” while still recognizing that our attractiveness levels are fairly compatible. Make sense?
6. Athletic, but I should be able to beat you at sports.
You can be better than me at one sport as long as it’s not soccer, tennis, or skiing. Those are all sports that you should be good at, by the way.
7. Smart, but not in a way that makes me feel stupid.
I went to a mid-level UC school but maybe could have gotten into Berkeley if I had tried harder. I’ll need you to meet me at about that same level. I’d love it if you taught me things about the world but if you ever respond to my lack of knowledge with a condescending “You don’t know…/ haven’t heard of…” I’ll push you into the rising sea levels of the Pacific Ocean.
8. Outdoorsy, but not in an aggressive way.
I need someone who likes to hike but doesn’t insist on camping, who rock climbs but understands I’d rather not, and who wears Patagonia, but not exclusively.
9. Loves dogs, specifically the exact kind of dog that I want.
A medium-sized Australian Shepherd rescue named Riggins who will love me more than he loves you even though you will be doing most of the care-taking.
10. Great sense of humor, but not as funny as me.
If you could write a funnier version of this list then it’s just not going to work out.
